Shedding my skin

Saying that these times have been challenging would be an understatement of the complexity of layers woven into my experience these past few months. Life asking me more than ever when I had only started walking again. I didn't feel ready but I understood that I needed to be, that this was one of those moments in my development when my choices had the potential to change the trajectory of my present and future.

Finding balance between giving and receiving has been a recurring learning theme in my life and it has taken me so much to master it, but this time there wasn't much margin of error available anymore. I had the intuition that the consequences of keeping on postponing it could be catastrophic and I didn't have much more energy left to keep getting stuck in that loop. The time to grow had come.

It takes courage to face our fears and wounds; it also takes practical resources and tangible tools, but above all it requires trust, hope, patience and consistency. I decided that I had what was needed to begin: I was capable of it, I wanted to do it and that I was willing to lose everything -hanging from a little piece of faith that I had left on that whatever remained standing after the earthquake would’ve been what truly had to continue; that whatever came next would be worth the transformation.

When we are going through transformations we need faith, in whatever makes sense to us at that moment in life. It is like that small lit candle light that accompanies the traveler to cross the dark depths of the underworld.

That was pretty much how the first part of this journey was like, navigating the deepest waters of my being searching for the treasure map that was to understand what I needed to address. And I stayed there, patient and persevering, cuddling myself in pain until I’d get an idea of where I needed to begin…and in that patient observation in the stillness -which lasted weeks- some clues started to drop: I needed to learn and integrate that what makes me truly loved and safe is not something external but rather being authentically myself; that the truest value of my experiences and relationships lies in interacting from the purest nature of my being, with all its apparent imperfections and all its gifts, and without unconscious martyr intentions that are truly a hidden mask of control and manipulation based on the abandonment wound. I needed to face and heal my tendencies of unconscious sacrifice and self-deferral to help others, prioritizing my well-being and outlining healthy boundaries regarding how I dedicated my energy.

Once the mission was theoretically understood, the integration and practice stage began. As we know, this is the part that determines what truly ends up changing and transforming, given its complexity. I had no way of knowing how long it would last, but it didn’t need to be all dramatic and long-suffering either. This was an important process for me, perhaps one of the biggest ones yet, so I was determined to approach it in a way that was sustainable and including elements that would help me continue when things got tough. For me that meant one thing: establishing a structure that allowed me to be flexible within it and that was built around things I liked -the keys to a loving discipline.

That’s how I began establishing a routine in which the first and most important thing of the day is for me to observe how I feel physically, mentally and emotionally, and based on that I determine what I need, not necessarily to "feel better" but to be the version of me that I can best embody to support myself that day. Sometimes that means the version that best knows how to process emotions and balance energies, other times it is the productive and efficient one that’s needed, and other times it is the loving, sociable and creative one. Basically, deploying all the tools and learnings that I have acquired in all regards and that I use to support others, to service myself too. The forms vary, but what transcends the system is that each day there is a sacred space dedicated to feed gratitude, to work with dedication and care on my goals, to getting to know myself better, to attend to my needs and prioritize my peace. Whatever that means every day, but showing up no matter what.

On those difficult days when the outside storm shakes everything, my mind has a hard time making sense of the strategy and has often wanted to jump back to its known old practices. But with loving discipline I have been gathering the evidence needed for it to see and understand that when I prioritize my well-being, I can serve more and better, be more assertive and effective in my delivery, bringing more calm and harmony to myself and those around me.

The way I use and dedicate my energy has changed radically, and with an equal amount of surprise from my mind and of “I knew it” from my intuition, I have seen real benefits for myself and for all those who interact with my energy from a place of mutual recognition.

I’m still at it, strengthening the systems, integrating learnings and facing challenges, but I am so happy, proud and grateful for the path I’ve walked so far in this process. Today I am able to support myself and others more and better than ever before. The way I have dealt with the experiences of the last couple of months is something that a few years ago would have been unimaginable for me, and I know with absolute confidence that this capacity is directly determined by cultivating systems of self-care, self-knowledge and personal development, and by establishing respectful boundaries with my essence.

Thank you Berni from the past, we are still walking.